My Mom Resume

I don't know if anyone else has had to put up with this, but every once in awhile, you run into somone that thinks being a stay-at-home mom has got to be the most boring and easy thing in the world.  After slugging them in the face, I want to let them have at it for one day, just to see how they'd do . . . there is a great I Love Lucy episode about that, by the way. 

Well, if any of you reading this believe that to be true, let me just set the record straight.  My mind is not rotting.  I don't bore myself to tears every day.  And I certainly don't sit around with my feet up while doing my nails.  I am improving myself.  In fact, I'm constantly learning new things and developing my talents.  And I made a mom resume to prove it.

Heidi M. Kimball

Occupation: Mother

Education: High school diploma, Bachelors from BYU, 9 months on-the-job training

Experience: 9 months

Skills:

- Professional grape peeler: Can peel and cut up a grape into small pieces that babies won't choke on in 10 seconds flat.  Can even do so under the pressure of a baby yelling for more and banging hands on the high chair.

- Can perform most tasks one-handed.  This includes undressing a baby, grocery shopping, making a bottle, vaccuming, and doing my hair.

- Car seat buckler: Can fasten baby in a car seat in 15 seconds, even when baby is yelling, wiggling, and arching back.  Side note: this is not easy.

- Multi-tasker: Can keep house relatively clean while simultaneously making sure baby does not choke, swallow hazardous material, fall down stairs, electrocute self, or get injured in some other manner.

- Sleep charmer: Can get baby to sleep even when baby is determined to stay awake, and is determined to make you feel like a bad person for wanting the baby to take a nap for their own good.

- Very funny: Can make numerous weird faces and noises to entertain and distract baby in all types of situations including: at church (when baby is two hours overdue for a nap), after baby falls down and gets hurt, during long trips in the car, in the grocery store checkout line, when baby is starving, etc.

- Other sleep skills: Can perform most tasks while still asleep, and perform most tasks on little to no sleep.

So there you have it.  I am a professional mom, and proud of it!